Hoffman's Diary
by teenageroadkill
Summary: Hoffman's Diary, sequel to "Amanda's Diary". What if Detective Mark Hoffman kept a diary? Parody. One-shot.


**Author's Note: This is the sequel to "Amanda's Diary".**

**Hoffman's Diary**

Dear Diary,

Well, due to blackmail, I have to obey this crazy serial killer guy and do whatever he asks, or he'll rat me out. He rambles a lot, and some of it sounds reasonable, but mostly he just sounds like the messages inside of fortune cookies.

Oh, and after the incident with the shotgun, let's just say that Russian Roulette is DISTASTEFUL…to me.

Dear Diary,

We got a new accomplice today. Her name is Amanda. She's hot once all the bruises went away. It's about time we got some women in here!

Dear Diary,

I can't take the stress. Amanda is going through withdrawal, and it's making her a total emo, and that role has already been taken by me. Jigsaw is rambling philosophical crap and complained about me getting blood on his favorite cloak while we were kidnapping someone, as though that's not to be expected. I told him Tide washes all that stuff out, but he wouldn't listen to me. And to make matters worse, Amanda got all defensive when I told her she looks like little red riding hood in her red cloak. I don't know why she got so mad. I think it's sexy!

Dear Diary,

I was wondering where all the saran wrap went, and then I went to check on Adam, and I figured it out. Way to go, Amanda! Now how am I going to wrap the food for our picnic?

Dear Diary,

I was confused when I saw Jigsaw making a particularly suggestive trap that reminds me of something you could just easily buy at a novelty shop instead of making it yourself. He said it was a trap for someone named Ivan who will be tested later. Maybe Amanda and I can have some fun with that trap before he puts the dangerous stuff in…

Dear Diary,

Yeah, Amanda didn't like that suggestion. Oops.

Dear Diary,

We were discussing how to kidnap future victims, since our last one was kind of difficult. I suggested we use chloroform, since that has always worked for me in the past. They both looked a little worried. I told them it worked on past _test subjects_ I had to kidnap, and they both looked relieved. Haha. I can't believe they fell for that excuse.

So my secret is safe. *wink*

Dear Diary,

Haha Hoffman. I read your diary. How does it feel? It's not fun having your privacy invaded, is it?

Dear Diary,

Damn. Amanda is sneaky. I guess I'll have to be more careful where I put this thing now.

Dear Diary,

Amanda beat the crap out of Eric today. When I went down there to check what was going on, he was half delusional, but I think he recognized me. He asked for help, and I told him "You got beat up by a girl, lulz." What an epic fail.

Dear Diary,

Amanda and I finally hooked up. I knew she couldn't resist my charms for long. It turns out she has a thing for handcuffs, and when she saw me whip mine out, she pounced on me. If I'd known that's all it took, we would have been doing it all OVER this warehouse this whole time.

Dear Diary,

The guys at Home Depot and Lowes know me by name now. They wonder what I'm doing buying saws and blades and chains every other weekend. I told them I own a construction company and they didn't buy that. So I told them I have a BDSM fetish. They tend to leave you alone after a confession like that…

Dear Diary,

John told me there is a big surprise coming, and I should prepare myself. I knew the guys at work were throwing me a surprise birthday party, but him and Amanda too! How sweet!

Dear Diary,

John told me his master plan and it wasn't a birthday party. In fact, he didn't even REMEMBER my birthday! Oh, but it gets worse. He told me a master plan that could result in both Amanda and Jigsaw's death. I'm very disturbed at this. As in, I can't even focus when I'm playing GTA or Halo anymore. I told Jigsaw that Amanda would fail, and he totally changed the subject and started talking about anonymity. He has ADD or Alzheimer's or something.

Dear Diary,

Since Amanda might be dead pretty soon, I thought that I should start looking around, keep my options open. There was this hot chick at Kerry's crime scene named Perez. But her partner, Agent Strahm, was a total cock block. Come on! It's bad enough that a crime scene is a difficult place to hit on chicks! Don't make it more difficult!

Dear Diary,

Well, this sucks. Amanda is dead, John is dead, and know I have to carry on the legacy by myself. Why does everything have to happen to me! And Strahm is worse and more annoying now that his partner is gone. He sounds like batman in The Dark Knight. Anyway, he's suspicious of me, so I'm going to have to keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't get to close.

Dear Diary,

Strahm faced a "crushing" defeat today. Haha. I pwned them all!


End file.
